in the DARKNESS
with those WORDS
so started our ADVENTURE
a high school career SPENT
HACKING inside a SOUL-LESS MACHINE
trying to BURN away CRUSHING LONLINESS
my MIND that had COLLAPSED completly
i couldn't even tie my fucking shoes
a HELL of ADDICTIONS and DESTRUCTIONS
a god that had FORSAKEN me
DESPAIR emptiness confusion
BITTERNESS HATRED and SORROW
to YOU i latched onto
i held on to you for dear life
like a DROWNING MAN
in a boiling HELL of an angry SEA
for i was nothing less than that
BETHANY KENNER
you were my EXIT
i didn't even know you
you were only a glimmer of HOPE
i grabbed on to you
and I held onto you like a MAN onto a TIGER TAIL
you see, dearest who has worn my PAJAMMAS
MY LIFE depended on it
TO LET GO
would of been to DROWN
you were the SYMBOL
around which i would build a new MANTRA
that is why FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
i can still write about this as if it were YESTERDAY
for you see, it is
ALIVE in me, like the MEMORY of a soldier who's seen COMBAT
it is my SONG
it burns at the very center of my own CREATION STORY
you
i made my MULTICOLORED RAINBOW
just like a STRIPPED UNICORN
your spirit and silliness ENCHANTED me
the only thing my dead mind could understand
I DREAMED of a happiness with you that was something other than SORROW
a far off FAINT flicker of a CANDLELIGHT
something ANYTHING to guide my DESTROYED ship to through the DARKNESS
graduating was no longer the WIN condition
BETHANY KENNER was the win condition
to lose meant my very life
to win meant HAPPINESS
i didn't know what HAPPINESS was then
but i WANTED IT so very BAD
because the OTHER THING was KILLING ME
you were my exit strategy
i didn't fail back then, for the GAME for me was never to graduate
the game was to save MY LIFE
I am still alive and breathing today because I found you
i was already a DEAD MAN
i had NOTHING left to lose
from this WELLSPRING of already being dead
i drew infinite amounts of COURAGE
failure no longer could touch me
i grew INTOXICATED with FEARLESSNESS
with this courage
i PURSUED you and i CAPTURED you
and
in a METAPHOR of escaping my SADNESS with you
in a RECKLESS intoxicated fearlessness REBELLION
we ran away TOGETHER
in a tiny blue SPORTSCAR
what an epic that was, or perhaps, only
my romantic ROSY memory COLORED by the STAINS OF TIME
IRREGARDLESS
from these HEADY waters of HOPE
BIRTHED a new dream, our dream even
these words haven't stood together for fifteen years
MARK STARR BETHANY ROSE
partners in the game of life
EMBRACE HAPPINESS
forget despair
TASTE LIFE and drink deeply
open your heart
FLOOD it with JOY
for no other reason
than to CHOSE JOY
and discard DESPAIR
we human beings, we can chose
we can STAND IN THE MOMENT between
what has happened to us and is happening to us
and CHOSE how we will ACT instead of react
and chose a new a choice, recognize other OPTIONS
and set us FREE from the broken record of SORROW
and live in every MOMENT in the HERE AND NOW
AND SO
i chose something else
i chose to be DAYLIGHT in your EYES
i chose to be SUNLIGHT only WARMER
i chose to RUN WITH YOU and become STRONGER
I CHOSE DAYLIGHT
and
you became surely the DEAREST thing to me
i loved you with ALL MY HEART AND SOUL
i knew every little way of you
our thoughts lingered on every SIGH
we chose each other, we chose that other path
TOGETHER we BREATHED, we lived, we loved, we TASTED life
i'm sure even after a while
we even SMELLED like each other
across europe we BOUNDED
i BITCHED and complained
for want of a WARM SHOWER
but
through the LENS of my CAMERA
you can see through my EYES
its undeniable, look at them as if you were the tortured PRISONER
that had been I only the year before
FROM UTTER SORROW TO ABSOLUTE HAPPINESS
i was the happiest man ALIVE at that moment
i stood proudly at the top of the world,
and I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT
every moment was EXHILERATING
no matter how dead i was, WHERE THERE'S STILL LIFE, THERE'S HOPE
i had fought DEATH and i had WON
happiness WAS possible for me, JOY conquers DEATH
it FLOWED now GUSHING like a WATERFALL
the REDHEADED girl before me
on the other side of the camera
LOVED ME with all her HEART
for that
she was the MOST BEAUTIFUL girl in the world
she was my JOY
we speak of it alot back then, this thing, called JOY
if anybody askes me, Mark, have you ever been to the top of
the world
i can point to the photo of you before the the GLACIER and say
"here I am, on the TOP OF THE WORLD"
or look...
"here, in this CASTLE, in this SWEATER, this is the top of the world" or
"here, see her with these FLOWERS by the side of the road"
or "here, Bethany LAUGHING by this roman reveler"
EVERY PHOTO where you SMILED back at me
was the top of the world
higher than any MOUNTAIN on the EARTH
god built this hell of a mountain for me
just to climb, so that when I reached the top, i would SING
this is the SONG OF MARK STARR
i read back and i wonder
why i never told you more that I LOVED YOU
then i remembered those times
i didn't need to
it was UNDERSTOOD
like knowing your HEART will keep beating
it was understood
every time we sighed "OH BABE"
it said it all, it said more than i could ever say
i'm sure you have chased and loved others
i'm sure others have chased and loved you
i have loved others, and been loved, and KNOWN LIFE
but I want you to know NOW
that then, in those moments, that YOU AND I STOOD ALONE AGAINST THE DARKNESS
nobody loved you, or would ever, ever love you
MORE
then i loved you then
i can't explain it, you were SYMBOLIC
i had no voice then, I could only write garbage
i never told you, what you TRUELY MEANT to me
you meant more
than any girlfriend ever could
and so
when you STAND at the edge of your life
in the last moments of your last BREATH
hopefully a silly old lady up on in years long since RETIRED
with only death on the other side
i want you to REMEMBER, i want you to know
that you were LOVED like no other
i want you to carry this knowledge in as your SHIELD
i want you not to be afraid
i want you to be FEARLESS like MARK STARR
you tasted life fully and have no regrets
BE FEARLESS LIKE MARK STARR
BETHANY
whether I hate you or love you or forget you or friend you
or how many lovers I take, or paths I follow
it doesn't matter for you see
You are a part of me
and I am a part of you
deny it or hate it or live with it or love it
the story of eternity has been written
I chose to celebrate it, I chose to honor me
We dance inside of me
FOREVER
and though it may not rhyme
this is my FOREVER poem back to you today
we dance now in eternity
i'm sorry if its just a bit late
i had no voice back then
today i have a voice
and i can sing
i can sing like a bird
in spring
I could wait until Valentine's Day to give this to you.
but it is fresh on my thoughts
and like flowers, I want my words not to wilt
life is brief, and Valentine's is any day I want it to be
Happy Valentine's Day, Bethany Kenner
Happy Valentine's Day Fifteen Years Later
Sing and Dance Bethany Rose, sing and dance of life, sing of me
@},'---